


steal away in the morning

by nuageuse (ensoleillee)



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic, Unrequited Love, but not really, garak is scared of feelings, no beta i'm insecure, oh the angst, this is also kinda dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:01:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23947372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ensoleillee/pseuds/nuageuse
Summary: Julian was different.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	steal away in the morning

**Author's Note:**

> i usually write when i'm stressed or in a bad place, and i'm currently both so that's why i'm writing angst for the first (!!) time. i've had the idea for this story for over a month and i've finally gotten around and write it. i never read let alone write angst but i've decided to make myself suffer today.  
> i've written this in an hour so be aware of the quality of this work
> 
> song: a matter of feeling - duran duran (i listened to this song once and it hit me how fitting it was to garak........)
> 
> if you want me to add any warnings, tell me.

Garak feels so trapped in midst of the crowds on the station; there is nowhere to escape or flee to. Even when he’s talking to people closest to a friend he has here, he can’t help but look forward to being alone again. Tora likes him, a lot actually, Garak is aware of that, no matter how much she tries to hide it, and it pains him to know that he cannot begin to understand what pulls her to a man like him. Odo and Captain Sisko have also put aside their former hostility, but Garak wouldn’t dare to call him their friends. Acquainted would fit better, yes. And it’s not like they’re keen on spending time with him, only when they’ve got a job for him. He’s got a few regular customers, but his smiles are empty when they complement his latest work. He feels alone. 

But Doctor Bashir is different. Julian helps him. He makes the loneliness for Garak bearable.

Garak cannot even fathom how deep the affection Julian has for him runs. It’s different from Tora’s feelings, that much is obvious. Tora is more drawn to the fact that he’s the only Cardassian aboard the station apart from her; he’s like a mentor to her, someone to learn from and look up to. But Julian is different. The pure fear he’s felt upon first seeing Garak had soon turned into an attraction which turned into fascination and desire. Just because Garak never reacts to Julian unsubtle advances doesn’t mean he is blind for them. He sees Julian’s cheek turning rosy when their eyes meet, and he’s often tilting his head to the side—a human way of displaying trust. And Garak doesn’t understand him.

Julian has quickly become a sanctuary for Garak. The fleeting brushes of their hands became heated kisses in an abandoned corridor and Garak didn’t have it in him to say no to Julian’s invitation to his quarters.

That night, their first night together, Julian seemed like he couldn’t get enough of Garak. His slim hands never stopped stroking over Garak’s body, undoubtedly exploring this familiar and yet so foreign body in front of him. And he’d whine when Garak left him for just a few moments as he took off the rest of his clothes. Garak never stayed for breakfast.

When they met up for lunch a few days later, everything was normal. Julian was rambling about one of his patients then about his adventure on Holosuite One with Chief O’Brien and then about a novel Garak had lent him. Garak listened attentively and poked his food.

He was happy nothing had changed between them. He didn’t know if he had been able to deal with it. Julian was a romantic, a hopeless one at that, but Garak couldn’t give him what he wanted no matter how much Julian wished for it; he couldn’t go on Holo-Dates with the Doctor, wait for him in their shared quarter when he had to work late, couldn’t retire with him on some paradisiac world. Julian deserved someone better than him.

Just when Garak was about to leave for his shop, Julian grabbed his wrist. His doe eyes stared right into Garak’s, and Garak could not help but be grateful for his training or he might not have been able to withstand the intensity in his look; they were so full of emotion.

“Is there something else, Doctor?” Garak asked, his smile faltering for a moment, and it couldn’t have escaped Julian either.

“Nothing,” Julian answered with a sheepish smile and he cocked his head to the side. His gaze didn’t leave Garak’s face.

“Until next time,” said Garak, gently pried Julian’s fingers from his wrist and walked away.

Garak found himself in Julian’s quarters another time after that. Countless other times.

It was hard to refuse Julian anything. Because Garak cared for him greatly. And he cared for him enough to not let it go further than giving each other physical pleasure. They never deliberately met up other than for lunch. Garak could live with this; Julian didn’t expect anything else from him but the lunch dates and the continuation of the tension between Julian’s sheets. Julian didn’t expect him to show up in a tuxedo and flowers or to surprise him with a visit in the infirmary on a bad day. Or at least he never voiced it out, and Garak was grateful for it.

Sometimes his over-active mind got the better of him when he was with Julian. He always told himself to enjoy this moment and not let his own head get the better of him, but sometimes he couldn’t. And Julian always realised and stopped in his tracks to help Garak get out of his own head. Because Julian was different.

But Garak got better at enjoying the quiet moments shared between them; not that he never did. But what first felt like an obligation turned into an indulgence. An indulgence Garak allowed himself. They became used to each other’s bodies just like lovers would.

Julian always took his time stroking and caressing Garak’s neck, because he knew Garak liked it. His own arousal often had to be almost unbearable for him, but he always insisted to give Garak his fair share of pleasure.

The part Garak always looked forward the most was the penetration. They’d never set any rules, but it was usually Julian on the bottom with Garak looming over him with a predatory smile. Julian was always so pliant underneath him, so _trusting._ He knew Garak could do unspeakable things to him without batting an eyelash, and yet he gave himself up for him so willingly. It always threatened to overwhelm Garak.

And when Garak prepared Julian, he let out the sweetest sounds. Tiny whimpers, soulful moans, throaty groans. Julian loved Garak’s fingers, he was more than vocal about it and Garak wondered if he was aware that he had used just these hands to do unspeakable things to other people under the command of the Obsidian Order.

As soon as Garak breached Julian, the younger was done for. His face twisted up in pleasure and his hands scrambled to touch Garak like a starved man. Sometimes, when Garak was unobservant, Julian found a way to lace their fingers together. Garak never let go.

When they had sex, Julian always looked like there was no place he’d rather be. The bliss was written out on his face, his eyes teary and he looked at Garak like he was the only person in his life. And if Garak was honest, he felt just the same. Julian was the only person he’d show himself to, where he let himself be his true self without the fear of being judged for his flaws and edges.

When they finished, Julian sometimes would climb right up Garak’s lap and demand another round. Sometimes he would be so blissed out it was up to Garak to replicate a cloth to wipe him down; he’s only tried one time to drag a cranky Julian into the shower and he would never do the mistake a second time. But Julian taking care of Garak afterwards wasn’t unusual either. Garak allowed himself the indulgence.

But it always ended the same. When Julian was deep asleep, Garak got up and collected the clothes on littered about the doctor’s quarters, wincing at the state they were in. If his training had taught him one thing, it was to sneak out of a room without the other person noticing. Garak always felt bad to leave Julian lying there; he looked so soft and innocent and Garak hated to do this to him.

If Garak was a lesser man he’d cry when he was leaving Julian’s quarters. But he always told himself it was better like this. And when they’d meet up the next time, Julian acted as if Garak hadn’t left him without a word. He just happily chatted about and threw Garak a few, not unnoticed meaningful glances.

Every time, Garak told himself, it had been the last time he’d indulge himself. He knew he couldn’t do this forever, using Julian to stay grounded when he was aware of how Julian was feeling for him. He’s learned not to linger on a place for too long; it’d turn into vulnerability and unwanted attachments. But it wasn’t easy to let go of Julian. Julian was different.

**Author's Note:**

> tbh i might write a second part and turn this mess into a Happy Ending because it hurts so muchhh
> 
> i'm on twitter: [diorbashir](https://twitter.com/diorbashir)  
> [my carrd](https://diluculum.carrd.co/)


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